That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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