At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
