A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
