I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
