So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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