I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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