God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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