Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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