I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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