i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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