you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I FOUND THE LEGS
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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