This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
