There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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