Need sex. Gaining weight.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Are my feet made of real feet?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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