SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
