He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
