apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
