dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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