So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
