Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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