Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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