So drunk its hurt
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
