I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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