True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
