My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
