Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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