Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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