his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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