I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
