perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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