so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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