Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
