No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
