K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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