Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
