Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
