So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
