Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
