He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
