i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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