When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
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