ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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