That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
