He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
