I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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