Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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