Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
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