Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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