I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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