thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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